So I haven't been on this blog in a really long time, but I just kind of feel like I need to write again. There are a lot of factors in my life right now that I feel like I don't have complete control over. I'm trying to make steps in the right direction, but I get overwhelmed and then it's hard to see the path I'm taking.
Finances has always been an area where I struggle. I can never seem to stay afloat for very long. I've started to feel like I need a job that has predictable, stable income, unlike the restaurant industry. Don't get me wrong, I love the flexibility serving offers me. I get to work minimal hours while still making a pretty decent living. Summertime is the absolute worst though. It is a lot slower in the summertime--people are out bbq'ing, taking vacations, etc. It's really hard for me to want to be at work when it's slow. It's like a double whammy on my income. I'm also not very good at saving in the busy season (november-february). There have been many months where I have worried in the last 10 days of how I'm going to come up with $1000+ to pay my rent and other bills. So, when the oppurtunity came up to work a full-time administrative assistant job that would have full benefits, I kind of impulsively applied for it. I don't know yet if I'll get hired or not. I have a phone interview on Monday afternoon. I'm a bit nervous about that. I hate interviewing. I'm trying to prepare ahead of time for it though. Hopefully, I can portray myself in a positive light that makes them want to ask me back for another in-person interview. My cousin, Jessica, works there; they prefer referrals, and I'm the first one to interview. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I kind of hope I have this one in the bag. I need something new, and stable.
Speaking of stable...I'm kind of tired of my car. I cut corners and bought a car at the dealership my sister works at. They fudged some things in order to get me the car loan. Then, the car has had mechanical issues since I bought it 4 months ago. I'm constantly worried the car is going to just die and I"ll still have like 4 1/2 years to pay on a broken car. I put a down payment down on a warranty for it though. It should have pretty good coverage, so I feel a bit more secure now. I borrowed that money though for the down payment, and I still owe the dealership for the rest. I'm a bit concerned with adding on these extra debts into my already convulted financial status.
I just feel like I'm kind of failing at this adulthood thing. My depression creeps up in these times of feeling overwhelmed. It seems like I'm moving through mud trying to get anything done. The guilt then starts to set in for all the things I'm not taking care of. For example, I have been so good at working out and eating right lately, but the last few days I have let it go. I can't seem to find the motivation again to push myself into the gym.
There are so many things I want to do for myself, but I really started doing them for someone else. I think that's another area of discontentment in my life. I want to be wanted, and not taken for granted. It may be too early to tell, and I'm trying to be patient. I see slow progress, and I don't want to stifle it. I just don't know my place any more in this relationship. I hope that I am cherished, and appreciated. I want someone to feel like they can't let me go. I don't want to be treated like an option. I can't wait until he says I love you again on his own. I can't wait for him to say he wants to cuddle me, and kiss me, without me prompting him to say he wants those things too. I'm going to need some more effort eventually. I feel lost while I wait. I'm trying not to smother him with my own feelings of love. I'm trying to do the right thing, but I'm in uncharted territory here.
I hope I can come up for air soon.
