Some Honesty

"I wish I could see you in person so we can sort all of this out."
-I want to see you as well. Maybe you've forgotten what it's like to be with me. I don't know how much seeing me in person would help though. Maybe all those feelings come back, but then you leave again and we're right back where we are now? I can't be toyed around with like that.

You know, I would be willing to marry you for the convenience of living in the same place so that you could be content being with me. Marriage to me has no meaning now. It is a legal practice that means we could make this work better. Who cares if the military back people into a corner when it comes to this. If you want to have a good relationship and that's what it's going to take for us to do it, then so be it. Get pre-nups, and divorce if we want to break up. I don't really see a difference between breaking up now, and breaking up if we were married. The pain is the same. You said marriage is the same commitment and everything as a relationship, but then also said you don't want to go through the same pain as you did when you got divorced. So which is it for you? Does marriage actually mean something more to you, and would cause you more pain and disappointment if it ended?

"It kills me what you're going through and I know it's my fault and that I'm a huge piece of shit."
-I think the guilt of knowing what I'm going through stunts you in some way. All you do is hate on yourself when you shouldn't. You're not a piece of shit and I want to shake you for thinking that way.

"I hate it. I never asked for any of this. I didn't ask you to wait and I'm not mad that you are."
-I really don't know what you want from me. I know you didn't ask me to wait, but if you don't want me to then I won't. I won't wait forever. Also, it sure sounds like you're pretty resentful of me waiting and feeling upset and emotional. Sounds like you wanted to take the easy way out. Run away and not face the issues at hand. I think you were ready to just give up on us completely because that would be easier.

"I am confused and frustrated and angry and stupid."
- The only reason why you would be stupid is letting go of a girl you love, and treats you right because it's not chaotic enough. That's immature. If you really don't love me, and don't want to be with me, then leave. I wish I understood better why you're confused. What is confusing about all of this?

"You think the world of me and I don't deserve any of it."
-Not true. I don't think you're infallable. I do think you're a great person in a bad place right now. You still deserve love, and a friend. You need to learn how to let yourself be loved.

"Maybe I am a shitty human being who's so emotionally fucked up that I only want women who are distant and are always on the verge of leaving me."
You're not a shitty human being, and you're not emotionally fucked up. You know you DON'T want a relationship with a woman like that. You want a relationship that is healthy, and loving, and someone who treats you right. You just may not know how to have it. We both have had shitty relationships, and the drama and chaos can be exciting for lack of a better word, but we're not kids any more. We both want adult relationships where we don't have to worry about whether the other person is going to be horrible and leave us in ruins. It takes a lot of work, but it's worth it. Baby, you would be crazy to walk away from this. This could be something really great if you got out of your own way, and stopped sabotaging it. I won't be here forever though if this remains to be the state of our relationship. I need committment, and a willingness to make it work. I need someone to reciprocate what effort I put in. I need you to pursue me still. I won't wait forever. I love you, and will love you, but I will become fed up of all of this and leave you. I am willing to give this a chance and to stick around and wait until we see each other again, but if you don't make a decision soon after that, I will make the decision for you. I will walk away no matter how much it breaks my heart.

"I don't know. I hate it and myself."
I wish you wouldn't hate yourself.

My own examination of what's beneath

So I haven't been on this blog in a really long time, but I just kind of feel like I need to write again. There are a lot of factors in my life right now that I feel like I don't have complete control over. I'm trying to make steps in the right direction, but I get overwhelmed and then it's hard to see the path I'm taking.

Finances has always been an area where I struggle. I can never seem to stay afloat for very long. I've started to feel like I need a job that has predictable, stable income, unlike the restaurant industry. Don't get me wrong, I love the flexibility serving offers me. I get to work minimal hours while still making a pretty decent living. Summertime is the absolute worst though. It is a lot slower in the summertime--people are out bbq'ing, taking vacations, etc. It's really hard for me to want to be at work when it's slow. It's like a double whammy on my income. I'm also not very good at saving in the busy season (november-february). There have been many months where I have worried in the last 10 days of how I'm going to come up with $1000+ to pay my rent and other bills. So, when the oppurtunity came up to work a full-time administrative assistant job that would have full benefits, I kind of impulsively applied for it. I don't know yet if I'll get hired or not. I have a phone interview on Monday afternoon. I'm a bit nervous about that. I hate interviewing. I'm trying to prepare ahead of time for it though. Hopefully, I can portray myself in a positive light that makes them want to ask me back for another in-person interview. My cousin, Jessica, works there; they prefer referrals, and I'm the first one to interview. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I kind of hope I have this one in the bag. I need something new, and stable.

Speaking of stable...I'm kind of tired of my car. I cut corners and bought a car at the dealership my sister works at. They fudged some things in order to get me the car loan. Then, the car has had mechanical issues since I bought it 4 months ago. I'm constantly worried the car is going to just die and I"ll still have like 4 1/2 years to pay on a broken car. I put a down payment down on a warranty for it though. It should have pretty good coverage, so I feel a bit more secure now. I borrowed that money though for the down payment, and I still owe the dealership for the rest. I'm a bit concerned with adding on these extra debts into my already convulted financial status.

I just feel like I'm kind of failing at this adulthood thing. My depression creeps up in these times of feeling overwhelmed. It seems like I'm moving through mud trying to get anything done. The guilt then starts to set in for all the things I'm not taking care of. For example, I have been so good at working out and eating right lately, but the last few days I have let it go. I can't seem to find the motivation again to push myself into the gym.

There are so many things I want to do for myself, but I really started doing them for someone else. I think that's another area of discontentment in my life. I want to be wanted, and not taken for granted. It may be too early to tell, and I'm trying to be patient. I see slow progress, and I don't want to stifle it. I just don't know my place any more in this relationship. I hope that I am cherished, and appreciated. I want someone to feel like they can't let me go. I don't want to be treated like an option. I can't wait until he says I love you again on his own. I can't wait for him to say he wants to cuddle me, and kiss me, without me prompting him to say he wants those things too. I'm going to need some more effort eventually. I feel lost while I wait. I'm trying not to smother him with my own feelings of love. I'm trying to do the right thing, but I'm in uncharted territory here.

I hope I can come up for air soon.

Bedtime story

Sometimes I get awaken in the middl of the night and can't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Then my mind starts to wander and all bets are off. Tonight is one of those nights. My back is stiff and achy and in certain positions this muscle right above my knee twitches. So, what's on my mind tonight? When I was a kid I shared a bedroom with my brother then when I was a little older I shared one with my sister. Then she moved out and I had a bedroom all to myself until the age of 14. That's when my mom was arrested and I stayed with my friends family for a few months where I had to share a room with another foster girl. The owner of the house decided to sell so my mom had to move. She was able to find a 2 bd apt. When I moved back in, I tried to share a bed with my mom. It was such a foreign concept sleeping next to my mom. Her breathing drove me nuts. Her small movements drove me nuts. I just couldn't take it. So I decided to sleep on the couch, which was always a fight between me and my brother. My dad also lived with us, but him and my mom were seperated so he had his own room. My brother and I would argue over who would get the sofa and who would get the loveseat. Eventually we got bunk beds in the living room. That seemed to work out better. I slept on the top bunk and would tape magazine clippings to my wall. They were mostly of good looking couples from the cosmo magazine. Eventually my mom made my dad move out and I got the bedroom. I really can't remember what my brother did and that makes me feel bad. He acted out a lot and it later got us kicked out. I found us a nice 2 bd duplex. By this time I had acquired a trundle bed, so me and my mom again shared a room and my brother got the other one. My mom slept on the trundle right next to and slightly lower than my bed. I still had the same issues, breathing, slight movements, bed creaking. It drove me nuts. My mom ended up setting a bed up in the garage and making a lil bedroom out there. I feel kind of guilty about that now. When I finall decided to move out, my mom kept my bedroom how it was just in case I changed my mind. Eventually i convinced her to move in there I think. I can't quite remember. She eventually got her own room anyway when they moved to another apt and now she owns a house and has a big bedroom. But when Moved out of the duplex that started the next chapter of bedrooms. Kevin and I moved in together. That had it's own issues but we had to get over them bc we were a couple sharing the same living space. Sometimes he would kick me out to the couch though bc we would argue. Didn't happen too much until this current apt. We got a more comfy couch from a friend and now sometimes I end up going to the couch bc I can't get comfortable in bed and I feel bad for keeping Kevin up, just like tonight. It's currently almost 5:30 am. I've been trying to fall asleep for the last 2 hrs. My cats are here to snuggle me now though so I might be able to finally go to sleep. I got all this outta my head so I should be good right? Let's hope so.

comment for jessica, but also kind of an update

So I've read all your blog entries so far and am still enjoying them. The Citizen's looks SOOO nice! and I LOVE your Tiffany necklace! I can't wait for wedding stuff also. : ) To answer your question from facebook, I've been kind of negligent on my blogging. My food blog (crystalsfoodjourney.blogspot.com) has been vacant for some time. I stopped my dieting. At this point I think I've gained like 3-4lbs from it, but it could be the way my body is normally changing at this point. I don't know. I don't complain too much these days because people just tell me to shut up. I have been taking pilates at school though. It's tues/thurs from 10:30-11:50am. I've skipped two times though >.< but I really like it. My teacher mixes it up some and incorporates some yoga and some other work out moves to work the obliques and the quads and back and abs and I really feel it afterwards. Here's a simple thing you can do that was taught from my class: Imagine that your belly button really was a button on the inside and your spine has a little spot for that to be button. So you're always trying to get that little button to the button hole. I like to imagine mine that I have a string attached to the back of my belly button and i'm trying to wrap that string as tight as i can get it around a button on my spine. Either way works. You're constantly enganging your core muscles if you're "buttoning your navel". Helps work those muscles. As my teacher says, we all have those muscles, some of us just have some more padding around them. haha. Helps with posture too. (which I'm really bad at). I'm also really bad at carrying around large amount of stress, so that's probably not helping my cortisol levels. It's something I need to work on. I have been trying to blog at seewhatsbeneath.blogspot.com, but it's a here and there thing. I might make it private with inviting people to be able to read it. I'm really broke right now, so it's hard for me to buy (healthy) food (i do try and grab some fruit when I can) and I wish that I had money so that we could go out and maybe even sign up for some exercise thing together, but I go to school 4 days a week and work 5-6 days a week and only really have free time on sun mornings and (sometimes) wednesday evenings and thursday evenings. And I generally try to spend at least one of those evenings with Kevin. I know it's 'excuses' but it makes it really hard when you have little time and very little money. Anyway, now that I've been ranting. I have to go take a math exam at school in Folsom. I'll see you at Renee's baby shower, if not before then! Ciao bella!

" and I was like ok? And she said "a lot of people died." I hadn't really grasped the magnitude of what had really happened. Our school still made us go

This day 9 years ago, I was in the 8th grade. My best friend at the time, @Brittany holmes, came up to me and said "two planes crashed into two buildings

I want to say now I am sorry to all those who died and their families for my ignorance. It was a tragic day 9 years ago and we shouldn't have lost you.